By Matt Tulli
Every fall, a large percentage of the American population enjoys playing football. It may be high school, college, professional, flag, whatever. Then there are those dummies who play fantasy football. Fantasy football isn’t even a sport. Also, it’s probably the worst thing ever. It takes no skill whatsoever, and you can play it sitting on your couch. It kinda sounds like poker that you play on those online-poker websites. Speaking of poker, why is it on ESPN all the time? People who call poker a sport probably also call tomatoes vegetables. They’re fruits. Culture yourself, people.
Anyway, what was I talking about? Oh yeah, fantasy football. It stinks. Here’s why, presented in list format:
- The draft. All fantasy football leagues require drafts before the season starts. You can choose to do either an auction draft, or the more popular draft that is like the regular NFL draft. Both are stupid. Basically, what happens is you either spend hours upon hours researching the best strategies and players to draft for the upcoming season, while your weird aunt (who nobody talks to, but you needed an extra player) will log on five minutes late but still end up picking Tom Brady (GOOD STRATEGY: Just put that thing on auto-draft. You might end up with 3 kickers and 4 tight ends, but hey, depth is the key to success.) At the end of the draft, you feel like you have the best team and you’re gonna win the whole thing Guess what? Don’t do that! Because…
- Bad luck. … your quarterback will break his leg, your running back will tear his ACL, and your defense will be single-handedly beaten by rookie Tyroil Smoochie-Wallace. It’s inevitable.
The player that nobody knows about. The absolute worst. The aforementioned weird aunt’s 7th round pick, Tyroil Smoochie-Wallace from Northern Alabama Tech A&M, will put up 50 points in the first week, conveniently handing you a 15 point loss.
The bench. Alternatively, you’re going to pick Tyroil Smoochie-Wallace, but since they’re playing the Seahawks week 1, you decide to bench him. Nice move! He puts up a 50-burger in the first week, but you didn’t play him. Turns out, this dude actually stinks in real life with the exception of his first game and you drop him after week 8.
The bench, cont. Maybe you’re actually in a good position (i.e. you’re the weird aunt) and you have the luxury of starting one of two competent football players. Chances are, 11 out of 10 times you’re going to pick the wrong one. So, what I like to do is just not start either of them. Just have an open spot on your roster. You may not gain a physical victory, but you’re going to gain a moral victory since you saved yourself from the hurt of making the wrong decision.
When another player gets points yours should have had. Imagine this: you need 7 points to beat your opponent. This is your last chance. Your running back takes the ball, and promptly gets tackled at the one yard line, leaving you literally a yard away from a victory. Okay, that’s fine, he’ll get the touchdown on- wait. What is this. He’s being taken out of the game? What do you mean he “broke his leg in 4 different places”? No excuses. Rub some dirt on that thing and get me my win.
The fact that you’re going to play again next year. You may not want to, but you WILL be sucked into playing again by your cousin, i.e., the guy who goes all-out for the draft. This especially counts if you happen to be a Philadelphia fan, in which you’re just desperate to enjoy some sort of sport, even if the sport isn’t a sport altogether. Trust me, no matter how miserable you were watching your team fall apart this season, just wait until your weird aunt takes home the crown again next year.