Doubling Down on Fat, Calories and, Yes, Taste

“It’s going to be loaded with calories, saturated fat and protein,” warned Anne Butterfield, RN, “it is abuse of the body.”

Given that I, like most Americans, eat something horribly toxic on a daily basis, I ignored her advice and bought one anyway.

The Double Down, pulled open.

It is the Double Down, so named for the fact that there’s two of everything, chicken, cheese and bacon.

It’s Colonel Sander’s newest creation and will be appearing at KFC’s nationally, though only for a limited time.

It comes with a cardboard pocket to hold while eating, a brilliant idea considering it has more grease than I thought even fast food chicken was capable of.

For those of you who refuse to eat this thing, and honestly, I don’t blame you, imagine eating chicken wings, a BLT and a chili dog at the same time. Really, I expected to end up reenacting the opening from Reservoir Dogs: “I’m gonna (expletive) die!” “You’re not gonna (expletive) die!” So far, it hasn’t killed me.

Looking for other students willing to down this “Down” thing, I found Carolyn Gable, who has not eaten one, but has heard of it.

“It’s like they were in the kitchen putting together a normal sandwich: ‘okay, chicken, bacon, cheese, mayo…Scott, we’re out of bread!’”

Then I spoke with Charles Kaufman, a sophomore who’s, apparently,  brave enough to try what Stephen Colbert calls ‘the warped creation of a syphilitic mind.’

“It’s really indescribable. You finish one and you want more.”

He’s right about the indescribable bit. I only ate half of one and the only thing I remember thinking was “Dear God.” That and “I am going to die eating an abomination.”

Have you ever tried to eat two chicken breasts at once? It’s one of those things a person can do, but shouldn’t. You bite into this and grease just leaks from it into your mouth. It’s delicious and disgusting at the same time. And the Colonel’s sauce is just mayo. KFC owes me secret sauce. And a good chunk of my liver, probably.

Anyway, final verdict is that the Double Down is a pretty good sandwich that, yeah, was probably created by a crazy homeless man, but… oh, I think I’m gonna be sick.

By Kennedy Phillips

Comments

  1. YOUR INSANE! this is probably the best piece of chicken i’ve ever had! Who cares about the calories ill worry about that when i’m 50 years old!

  2. Epic chicken!

  3. Epic chicken!!!!!

  4. Right after school, I’m going to go to kfc. At kfc, I’m going to get one of these bad boys. I cannot wait.

  5. Crystal says:

    Wow man! I’m so glad you used Carolyn’s quote. That’s the funniest thing I’ve read all day, I was hoping you’d use it.
    I got a good laugh out of this article… and maybe some indigestion.

  6. Carolyn says:

    😀 Awesome, my boss would be proud of me lol. Being interviewed for this was amazing, we had a lot of fun. When i get the chance to im going to go to KFC and try one of these monsters. 🙂 Awesome article Kennedy! Oh shoot! does anyone know C.P.R????