The Most Horrible Noise In The World

Crunch. Snap. Chomp.

Three times a day, whether I’m with friends or family, I eat meals. Who knew it would be so bothersome to eat with surround sound chewing in each ear.

Mike Nitroy Food Column

Mike Nitroy Photographed by Dessie Jackson

Nothing annoys me more than loud and obnoxious chewing. The problem is when I tell someone they’re doing it; I always get the same answer.

“No, I’m not!!”

Carrots, potato chips, cereal, soup, celery and corn on the cob are just the beginning on the list of food that I can’t stand hearing as it grinds and sifts through people’s teeth. The same sound you’d hear stepped on a frog I suppose.

However I wasn’t always this way.

My best friend was the one who made me aware of what we now call the ‘eighth deadly sin’.

We share everything from secrets to things about our parents. One day after hearing a story about her dad crunching chips, I returned home to sit at the dinner table and looked up to realize the noise that I’ve failed for so long to hear was coming from every member of my family.

Two years later, I still find myself cringing at the squishing noises that come from people’s mouths. My family laughs about.

But I’m not laughing.

A family gathering in the summer of 2009 is still vivid in my mind, and ears: sitting at a table with my extended family around me devouring corn on the cob. The squish of teeth as the kernels came off sounded like a quiet lawnmower tearing through those hard-to-get weeds in your back yard. My face was hit with a splash of juice.

If my life was a bad sitcom, that would’ve been the cue for the laugh track.

Don’t get me wrong, I love food and how no matter how much I eat, I don’t gain a pound. But I’ll forever blame my friend for making me aware of the true evil that food can do.

By Mike Nitroy

Comments

  1. Maybe if you find crunchy food sound effects to be such a nuisance you could donate all of your family’s crunchy foods to those in Haiti that need food and will accept it regardless of its crunchy nature.

  2. Anonymous says:

    I completely agree! I hate it especially when people chew their food loudly when the room is quiet. People swallowing drinks drives me insane too….ugh!

  3. Stephanie says:

    I can definitely relate to this. I hate when people eat likes slobs.

  4. Yea cuddos to you!! Dont listen to the hater in the beggining of comments. They are probably loud chewers themselves and can not face that fact. Good job!!!!!